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It’s not likely I will ever know the privilege of a romantic relationship.
I don’t say that because I think I’m unworthy or undeserving or hideous or terrible. I’m quite proud and fond of the person I have worked hard to be. It’s not a matter of not wanting romantic connection or lacking sexual desire. I have fallen fully in love twice in my life, both sadly unrequited but I get what they write all the songs about, and I am as capable of arousal and attraction as the next person. I simply take romantic intimacy very seriously.
I view it as an immense privilege which, among other things, encumbers it all with a great deal of weight and meaning. For me it would need to develop out of a mutually close and valued connection, one not only cable of taking on all the weight but one which would actually want to. Thanks to my nature, a completely blank list of firsts from holding hands on down, and to my ‘rejection only’ experiences I don’t have a ‘casual’ setting. The very few people who have actually attempted any flirtations with me unfortunately have not understood me and come at it from that angle. I’m not the kind who dates, I’m the kind who falls in love with a close friend and I’m incredibly picky about my…