The Demisexual Disqualification.

Jeff Fox
7 min readSep 18, 2019

When deep friendship is your only path to falling in love and falling in love is your only path to physical intimacy.

We all want to feel love and be loved, to connect, to be someone’s person and to have someone be our person. This need can manifest and function in an infinite number of forms and complexions. None are more ‘right’ or ‘wrong than the other, they all simply are. Figuring out how you work is an important first step in seeking fulfillment and happiness in your connections on all levels, not just the sexual or romantic.

When a major aspect of your core self functions differently than those around you, when you are on the outside of a general societal norm, even the most casual conversation can feel isolating. Not just because it acts as a reminder of your outsider status but because it also illustrates and reiterates the way in which your difference disqualifies you. Demisexuals, and others along the asexual spectrum, often struggle a great deal with this throughout their lives.

The asexual spectrum refers to varying capacities for sexual and romantic attraction ranging from the more common and familiar ‘sexual’, those able to experience all forms of attraction, to the less common and potentially confusing ‘asexual’, those who don’t feel any attractions in any context or circumstance. Demisexuals, smack in the middle of that range, are able to feel sexual attraction but only after a strong emotional bond has been formed.

The asexual spectrum can be a confusing concept right out of the gate. For most the sexual drive is such a strong and instinctive impulse the idea of someone not feeling it at all seems mystifying. In a culture increasingly casual about sexual activity the idea of sexual attraction without deeper romantic motivations makes sense easily enough, after all it’s the primary operating ideology of most dating apps. Most people are also quite comfortable with the idea of differing levels of libido but the lower the sex drive the more assumptions start being made that something is ‘wrong’. And the idea of someone never feeling any sexual attraction or arousal at all can seem near impossible to relate to.

Thanks to the infinite variety of the human animal there are no absolute or universal definitions for our natures or behaviors. Themes, trends…

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Jeff Fox

A professional dancer, choreographer, theatre creator, and featured TEDx speaker with an honours degree in psychology, two black belts, and a lap-top.